…I’d leave the country for a year, and go somewhere…where no one knows me (with the exception of my all-purpose sister/friend/weirdo/whatever-she-chooses-to-be).

It’s not like me to be this…open? aware of my ‘feelings’?…but I want to run away…snatch a break from the clutches of this vacuum passing for my life…take the time to explore why my mind is thinking about a vacuum in physics terms and telling me a vaccum would technically be incapable of having clutches.

The year’s almost over, and the days have just passed, especially since coming back home. Five whole months, and I don’t think I have five days I wish to remember. Thoughts of change and taking first steps are constants in my world these days, but I tend to excel at the illusion of planning, but super suck at execution.

The thing is, I’ve had my way for over half my life, and it has led me here…to a place my alleged way with words cannot aptly capture…to a place I fear I’ve been too long…a place I may never leave.

If I could have my way, I’d stay here forever, not caring it’d kill me.

This is why I need the Saviour. I’d gleefully catapult myself into hell (both on this earth and after my alloted amount of oxygen has expired) without Him. Still, I forget too easily.

That was a good little conversation, I think…a bit bleh, but I think I needed it. We’ll see how things go in the next couple of weeks or so. So, for the general purposes of accountability, here are the things I need to ‘work on’ in the coming months:

• My journey towards God’s heart
• Becoming healthy
• This writing thing
• Exploring and embracing a future…rather than letting the days pass without any goal in mind

Change is hard. Maybe I’m just in some unique category of terrible, but all this being a person stuff? So not my thing. One breath at a time, eh?

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

The Holy Bible, New King James Version Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Advertisements